Six days til my medication situation is reviewed. It doesn’t sound like much, and I didn’t think I’d be counting down the days like this, but today I’ve realised I’m showing signs that I’m really not okay.
1) Impulse buying, big time. In the past this has always preceded a suicide attempt, and I think one was averted a couple of days ago. Last time round I splashed out on a new laptop, and this afternoon it was a tablet. I really can’t afford this. Without realising it I buy these things to cheer myself up. It works for a few hours, and then the guilt creeps in for massively overspending/I spot what I’ve done and beat myself up about it.
2) Comfort eating. My relationship with food has almost always been unhealthy (there are a LOT of foods I don’t like/was brought up to overeat etc), and I find my depression exaggerates it; either I starve myself with self-harm intentions, or I stuff myself with junk. Recently it’s been the latter of those two, but once I realise what’s going on I can address it: fill the cupboards with healthier foods so if I ‘need’ to binge it isn’t quite so damaging.
3) Not caring about appearance. I’ve never been hugely bothered by appearance; I don’t wear make-up and I don’t make an effort to wear fashionable clothes, but I wash my hair everyday and try to hide the areas of my body I don’t like. When I’m really low I drop the routine, wear the same clothes on consecutive days…I don’t know if anyone around me notices. Hopefully they don’t.
I’ve also been physically odd today (I don’t know how else to put it!); at first I thought my lithium-tremor was back (which made no sense given the lowered dose specifically to avoid that side effect), but then I realised the rest of my body was shaking at times, and at one point I felt close to passing out. I’m hoping it’s just a blip.
So, all in all, I think it’s fair to say I’m not exactly on best form 😦