Hey there, rock bottom. I know I haven’t seen you in a while, but don’t worry, I’m on my way…
Today has not gone well for therapy/ist -related reasons, and I’ve really sensibly decided the best way to deal with this is to OD on the old Nytol. I’m writing this having just taken six tablets, and since I haven’t taken any in a few weeks I’m hoping they’ll knock me right out.
Onto the ‘why’. At around noon today I had a session with Dr T, and it was excruciating. When I admitted I hadn’t managed to do any more work on my dissertation since I last saw him, he immediately told me to go and get my stuff, and come and work in his office so he could be on hand to help me through the anxiety/panic this work is provoking. Unfortunately, the idea of doing that provoked it’s own anxieties; I’d be very, very self conscious. And even though Dr T laid out exactly why it would be great to take this opportunity to push through that issue, I couldn’t do it. This is when I start to wonder if I’m broken somehow.
Anyway, after 50 minutes of pain I left Dr T and killed some time before my GP appointment that afternoon. He was running an hour and a half late today which was irritating, but at the same time I respect that because I know many of my own appointments have run well over the allotted ten minutes. When I was eventually called in I got some good news: the abdominal ultrasound came back clear. It appears the intense pain was probably a tiny gallstone that would have disappeared without a trace in the month I had to wait for the scan. The important thing is ‘there aren’t any more in the queue to come out’, so I don’t need an operation or anything like that. Hurray!
But the good mood was spoiled approximately five seconds later when my GP casually informed me that Dr T had called him. Apparently he was calling to ask what my GP thought about my medication (200mg trazodone nightly), and then my GP had the idea that maybe it’s time to stop the medications altogether for a bit.
I call ‘bullsh*t’. This does not add up, at all, and it’s making me angry.
1) Why didn’t Dr T tell me about this like he always does? 2) My GP did not have the idea that I should come off medication, Dr T did. I know this because the print out I was given with the scan results had my recent history on it, which says ‘Dr T called to discuss the possibility of giving up medication’. Why did my GP twist that? 3) Why did Dr T need to call in the first place? I can’t help but feel like there’s something dodgy about this since he didn’t tell me. And given the speech about ‘making drama’ by taking medication a couple of weeks ago, I have a horrible feeling he didn’t trust me.
I don’t know. I can’t really think this through at this moment in time: I have a massive headache which I can’t take painkillers for because I’ve been too nauseous to eat since yesterday. I told my GP about my recent anxiety/panic issues, and he responded by authorizing me to take 1-3 propranolol tablets at a time if needed. He wants me off psych meds altogether now, at least for a couple of months, so he won’t give me anything stronger.
Oh, and did I mention that my dissertation supervisor suddenly announced today that she’s taking leave (which won’t end until after my dissertation deadline)…?
Enough. Come on sleeping pills, knock me out.