Something’s wrong with me today, big time. All I want to do is hurt myself. That’s been the subject of the whole day. If I’m not physically doing it, I’m thinking about it. I want to destroy things, but I can’t – it’s not my house, and it’s not my furniture. I’m obsessed; when I took my keys out of my bag to let myself into the house, I couldn’t help but press the sharp edges into my skin. Every little opportunity for pain…
I can’t stay still. If I look at one thing or one place for any length of time, my eyes stop focusing. I can’t read, or even watch TV. I feel sick.
And I got an email today telling me the chemical I ordered is on it’s way, and should be here Mon/Tues. I’m not going to give its name here, because it’s very dangerous and somehow, very accessible, at least here in the UK. I’m not going to be responsible for other people trying it. I bought it to knock myself out, but with this amount I’ll have enough to have ‘options’.
I don’t know what to do with myself. I can barely communicate with the people in this house, and I’m currently hiding from them. I live with a family I know through the university – husband, wife and their child, and the wife’s parents are staying with us now, and today I’m horribly aware that I’m an outsider. Earlier this week I tried hard to integrate myself more, but the mood for that has gone.
I can’t stand this evil restlessness. I feel possessed again. And I find myself asking an old question: is this a form of mania? A year ago my psychiatrist wondered if I was bipolar, and that’s why I had to start doing mood charts. Dr T laughed at the idea, and it hasn’t been pursued, but could that psychiatrist have been right? Am I having some kind of manic episode????
I don’t know why I’m experiencing this, and it scares me.
I’m scared I’m going to open a blood vessel. And I’m scared of what will happen when that chemical arrives.
I should email Dr T and ask to see him on Monday. I should call my GP surgery and make an appointment. But I won’t. Now I have this chemical on the way, I’m worried I’ve crossed a line that has to be kept quiet.
Blood. Bruises. Burns. Suffocation. No rational thought. Not even much emotion.
I don’t understand any of this.