Today is a dark day. Not dark because anything terrible has happened, but dark because I can see the darkness. Dr T made a casual comment in therapy today about how the world might seem like a joyless and heavy place, and it hit me afterwards that that was spot on for me. I don’t look forward to anything. I start to doubt the concepts of happiness, and love. Creativity. It all melts down to obligation and pressure, with no real ‘win’.
I thought about sitting down and drawing out a mind map of what the world looks and feels like through the eyes of MQ, but my instincts warned me not to. Outlining all the reasons I don’t enjoy living (now and/or in the forseeable future) could be dangerous, and I could do without that given its the time of year when support networks (docs, therapists) tend to be away on holiday.
I’ll come out and say it: I don’t feel all that safe at the moment, because the theme of overdosing has emerged again recently. When I started taking lithium, I had to stop taking ibuprofen (Advil/Motrin) which had always been a bit of a lifesaver for me, so my doc started giving me prescriptions for tramadol. These prescriptions started at a time when I was rebuilding my overdose stash after the last lot was confiscated (after I ODed), and I got in the habit of asking for more tramadol every time I went to collect my lithium. I deliberately hardly ever took those pills, even when I REALLY needed pain relief, because I was dedicated to piling up this stash *in case I needed it*.
A year or so later, circumstances have changed slightly, and I can take ibuprofen, so now I have absolutely no excuse to ask for tramadol. But I will keep asking for it. I know I will. I’ll just feel more guilty about it.
(Yes, I know I should hand all the boxes over to a pharmacist or someone, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I’ve collected boxes of tramadol for months, and I can’t let it go. My brain just tells me I might need it.)
I never claimed to be intelligent…