Once again I think I’ve demonstrated why I can’t be trusted with meds. As my last post suggested, last night was pretty rough, and I eventually decided I wanted to overdose on something and knock myself out (I don’t have enough pills around to go any further). The question was what to overdose on.
Usually the answer is automatically ‘Nytol’, but last night there was a pain-med competitor: Tramadol. Earlier in the week I’d told my GP that I need advice regarding painkillers, as I was expecting my *time of the month* pains shortly, and I know I can’t take ibuprofen while on lithium. This appointment ran well over the allotted ten minutes as my GP researched and discarded a long list of options: everything seemed to interact with lithium. Finally we had to settle on Tramadol, which was not ideal (it doesn’t interact with lithium, but instead interacts with fluoxetine…of course), and I was given a prescription for ten 50mg pills.
I haven’t found Tramadol to be a great pain reliever, but it does a good job of making me tired, so last night I was asking myself whether to OD on Nytol, Tramadol, or both. Decisions, decisions. I picked Nytol in the end because with my current daily med combo, my seizure risk with a Tramadol OD would be pretty high.
I slept from 11pm to 10am, and then crashed out for a further four hours on the sofa downstairs. I was supposed to be childminding today, but it was cancelled on Saturday.
I’m not proud of myself for overdosing, although I’m pleased that I didn’t touch the Tramadol – if I need to ask for it on a monthly basis, I’m shooting myself in the foot if I abuse it and have that option taken away. But to be honest, the fact I strongly considered abusing it is probably enough to warrant me not having access to it anymore (not that I’ll be sharing this with my doctor!)
Tomorrow I have to see my GP and Nurse L again, so here’s an opportunity to Be Brave and Ask For Help. I can imagine taking a risk and sharing the details of my current state with Nurse L, because I don’t feel like I have much to lose with her…except I’ve just remembered she feeds everything back to my psychiatrist, with whom I have a lot to lose. I’ll have to think about this.
My main concern is tonight. I won’t OD again because I have to get up early to go for a blood test, which means the first port of call (if the mood strikes) will be cutting. I might write on my arm ‘THINK OF THE SCARS’ in pen as a deterrent.
It’s just really hard to do the ‘right thing’ when you’re agitated and restless because you’re hiding from the bad thoughts that chase you relentlessly.