As strange as this is going to sound, I’m learning that it’s possible to feel low, but also not feel low, at the same time. I think this is the gift of the ketamine-infusion therapy, and now I’m glad I didn’t judge it rashly after Friday’s treatment. For all I know this gift is life-saving.
Let me explain what I mean: as I hinted in an earlier post, it seems that my body is showing the typical physical signs of low mood; I find myself sighing a lot, I lack energy, and my facial expressions are limited (usually favouring a stern look). I also have the circumstances in place for a mood drop (also outlined in an earlier post – I’m home alone for eight days), so this isn’t surprising.
What’s changed since I last wrote here is that I can see the accompanying misery, and almost touch it, but yet I’m numb. If the low mood is a coat, I can see it on the peg and even slip it on, but my skin isn’t quite in contact with it. A long sleeve t-shirt (ketamine-infusion) is acting as insulation against it. So, I know the coat is there, and I can even see it on me, but it’s not properly changing my immediate situation.
I have no idea if that makes sense to anyone other than me – I hope it does. The fact that I’m more aware of the low mood floating out there than I was a couple of days ago makes me think the ketamine is probably wearing off, which fits the timeline on the information sheet, but I’m really grateful for the time it bought me, and I hope I’ve got at least a little more time before the darkness creeps in. Unfortunately, I don’t doubt that it will creep back in, but I currently seem to be having a decent break from it.
I’ve been pretty quick to criticise the ketamine-infusion therapy I’ve had in previous posts, mostly because I hated how it played with my self-control (the pull towards dissociation during the infusions is irresistibly strong). There was no long term benefit in return for this cost, but now I see the real value for me: it keeps me safe when my mood would have me in danger. I wasn’t in this position around the time of the first two infusions, but I am now, so I can finally really understand why this form of treatment is being so keenly researched.
So, ketamine-infusion therapy, I salute you.