I don’t fully understand what’s going on with me right now; all I know for sure is that it feels horrific, as I tried to express in last night’s post.
I’m not sure how to describe this, but I keep…zoning out. Before, I’ve had instances where my brain almost literally seems to take a break, but this is different – I start spacing out, and then the world goes all fuzzy, and I wonder if I’m going to faint, although it’s not the same as being dizzy like in the old antipsychotic days. And now I’m not on any meds except propranolol, which I highly doubt could be the culprit here, so I’m wondering if there’s something psychosomatic going on. But hey, what do I know – I don’t even know if this paragraph makes sense.
As per usual, I can’t concentrate on anything, except now the ’empty time’ is filled with tears. Tears at the immense pain, and the thought of what I’m building myself up to do. The goodbyes, and all those other words that will never be enough. But I haven’t properly cried (I make the distinction when my breathing changes, so tears alone don’t count).
Sadly though, I came very, very close to crying today. I had an appointment with my GP this afternoon, who has always been a trusty support. He insisted I made an appointment to see him during the exam period because he knows I still have my bottle of X, and he’s (rightly) worried about me using it once exams have finished. I think what I wanted out of this appointment was to vent – as I’ve said, I feel like I’m drowning at the moment, and my GP is one of only a small handful of people in my life who can appreciate what that feels like. Obviously I wouldn’t tell him about the ‘plan’, but I desperately needed to express at least some of this pain, if only for a minute.
Cue disappointment when I was asked how exams were going, and was then shown the door (albeit with instructions to make another appointment for after exams).
I feel like I don’t exist as a person struggling with depression; in the eyes of those around me, I’m a ‘student doing exams’. And this is such deja vu – back when I was writing my dissertation, I was only ‘interesting’ in respect to how much I’d written, and how much I had left to do. Any other kind of struggle, or element to my existence, just didn’t exist. At least Dr T didn’t treat me like that…and yet following last week, it’s like he’s abandoning me now.
I don’t have anyone left.
Depression is eating me from the inside out, and I can’t contain it. And yet somehow I need to contain it for five more days.
Part of my brain tells me that the second my last exam finishes, I need to go to hospital, either directly or via Dr T. But other parts of my brain remind me that all that achieves is me being trapped for longer in an existence I no longer want.
I think I might be cracking out the sleeping pills tonight. I don’t know what else to do.