Daily life is full of ups and downs at the moment – more downs than ups, but I try to hold on to the good moments like they’re precious treasure.
The day starts with intense nausea. I can’t describe how miserable it is to wake up every morning to a churning stomach and acid in your throat. It dissipates slightly when I shower, so I get out of bed pretty quickly. In another life, feeling so ill would mean not going into work – my daily routine now has to include a pep talk that I can get through this, and that I am well enough to work.
I’m finding it increasingly difficult to get to work – even if I drive myself there, I start panicking the moment I leave the house, and by the time I reach the end of the road I’m having to really urge myself not to give up and go back home. I get to work, and then around 4pm nausea starts to build again at the prospect of the journey home. Driving home used to be okay – something about heading back to safety – but this is no longer holding.
My new therapist said I should contact Occupational Health at work, so I sent off the necessary forms…they rang today and offered me an appointment tomorrow at their building in the centre of town. Great. I had written very clearly on the form that I’m very restricted in terms of travel at the moment, but that seemed to fall on deaf ears so I had to explain again over the phone. They begrudgingly offered me a telephone consultation next week. I’m a bit surprised by the resistance – given the wide nature of problems that could lead someone to contact Oc Health, why aren’t they more accommodating? I can’t be the only person who would struggle to make it to their offices.
So mostly bad days, but some good ones too. Yesterday I had to take my car for it’s MOT, and I’ve been dreading this for weeks – the prospect of driving to the test centre, then hanging around, then driving back – nausea was off the scale. But I coped. The journey was manageable, and in the test centre I managed to stay reasonably calm. I was really, really proud of myself afterwards. And my car passed it’s MOT so that was a bonus!
The day before that I had a meeting at work, and I managed to sit there for the duration, 30 minutes, without having to leave. I haven’t been able to do that for weeks. Another proud moment. I’m trying to hold onto this, use this as confidence that I can bring on repeat performances.
It’s week two of Abilify – I can’t say that I’m noticing any difference, but maybe it’s too soon. To be honest I just want the six week trial to be up so we can move onto the real anti-anxiety meds – Pregabalin for a start – but I understand I have to give this a try.