This past week has been hard. It started off with a phase of feeling very down – I was going to bed at 6pm rather than be awake, except I’m not sleeping well so I wake up every hour or so. I’m tired, and everything feels stressful.
In the back of my mind a voice is saying ‘Yeah but you can cope’ – except, for what? What’s the point? I honestly feel like I have nothing to look forward to. Nothing that I can hang on to, like ‘If I can just get to X I’ll be okay’.
The rest of my week has been restless. Restless to the point of bouncing off the walls a little. Suddenly TV and computer games held no appeal (strange for me) – I needed to DO stuff. I baked. A lot. Did gardening. Tidied. Washed the car. I’ve never been so domestically efficient. Really I want to build something. Maybe write an app. But I have no idea how to do it, and the thought of a learning process first puts me off. It’s all go go go.
I realised at work that my brain seems to have turned to marshmallow. I can’t think deeply. Someone asks me to solve a problem, and I try to think about it, and BANG I hit this fuzzy wall and it’s like my brain switches off. I wonder if it’s the medication. I miss being able to think things through. My colleagues probably miss me being able to do that too.