It’s just a load of fluff

This past week has been hard. It started off with a phase of feeling very down – I was going to bed at 6pm rather than be awake, except I’m not sleeping well so I wake up every hour or so. I’m tired, and everything feels stressful.

In the back of my mind a voice is saying ‘Yeah but you can cope’ – except, for what? What’s the point? I honestly feel like I have nothing to look forward to. Nothing that I can hang on to, like ‘If I can just get to X I’ll be okay’.

The rest of my week has been restless. Restless to the point of bouncing off the walls a little. Suddenly TV and computer games held no appeal (strange for me) – I needed to DO stuff. I baked. A lot. Did gardening. Tidied. Washed the car. I’ve never been so domestically efficient. Really I want toย build something. Maybe write an app. But I have no idea how to do it, and the thought of a learning process first puts me off. It’s all go go go.

I realised at work that my brain seems to have turned to marshmallow. I can’t think deeply. Someone asks me to solve a problem, and I try to think about it, and BANG I hit this fuzzy wall and it’s like my brain switches off. I wonder if it’s the medication. I miss being able to think things through. My colleagues probably miss me being able to do that too.

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4 thoughts on “It’s just a load of fluff

  1. Again, so much I recognize. Especially the marshmallowbrain – I find this a serious problem and it has never been so bad. Do you have it everyday? It comes and goes a bit, but lately it’s here a lot.

    What kind of stuff do you bake? I sometimes bake as well, but it kind of comes and dissapears. I try to find a bit of healthy stuff to bake and keep that a bit regularly, but often I bake 2 weeks and then I quit again and can’t find the motivation. But, sometimes it’s really nice to do. My latest creation was a bananabread with blueberries and teff (some grain from Ethiopia which is considered as a superfood by some people, so I wanted to test that). Maybe we should exchange some recipes sometime ๐Ÿ™‚

    So cool to read you can do gardening. Do you have a big garden? I have a small balcony, but I’m trying to grow strawberries, carrots, beetroot and cherrytomatoes this year.

    • I’m so sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to you. Yeah marshmellow brain is still here every day. It sucks, and it gets in the way a bit at work, but I’m trying not to mind too much.

      I exclusively bake unhealthy stuff ๐Ÿ˜‰ but I LOVE banana bread and adding blueberries sounds yummy so maybe I could steal that recipe off you sometime? I usually make things like choc chip muffins (sometimes with banana), cookies, and this week I made bread pudding which has a zillion calories but my Nan used to make it so it’s special.

      I don’t have a huge garden, but maintenance wise I think I’d swap you for your balcony! I don’t have a green thumb at all, and there are so many weeds that I couldn’t possibly grow anything in particular at the moment. And I guess I’m kind of lazy…But that’s impressive that you’re doing so much in what doesn’t sound like a huge space.

      • That is no problem at all. Seriously next time if you make bananabread, do put blueberries in it, you will not be dissapointed ๐Ÿ™‚ Probably I have lived under a stone or something but I don’t think I ever had bread pudding, nor did I think I ever ‘saw’ it. Today I made muffins with (real) apple and cinnamon, but more to save the apples. They turned out really okay.

      • Youโ€™ve been missing out; if itโ€™s like a really dense, moist fruit cake – a hundred thousand calories, but soooo worth it. I love the sound of your muffins – any kind of cake with apple in it is a winner for me ๐Ÿ˜€

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