Stuck in the mud

Do you ever get the feeling that times are changing around you, but you’re not? Do you worry about being left behind?

I feel like elements of my life are changing, but my anxiety holds constant. There was some improvement with the Lyrica, but ultimately I still find it really hard to leave the house. It’s just a bit less vomit-inspiring if I do make it out.

Our team is restructuring at work, putting me in more of a managerial position. This is really good for me, and will glow on my CV, but I feel sad to be taking a step away from the day-to-day. There’s something very reassuring about a role where you come in, keep your head down, and get on with your work. Managing is so much more stress inducing, having to deal with other people. If my health was different, I would be a lot more enthusiastic about this change. It’s a step forward, and I can’t let my anxiety and depressive tendencies hold me back.

My team leader emailed out on Friday to say that we should all go on a social sometime soon, listing various options like dinner out or a bowling trip. They’ve been great fun in the past, and I like spending time with these guys, but…I just can’t do it right now. It’s not about the socialising, it’s about having to go somewhere. I’m going to be the ‘bad guy’ for not attending, but I don’t feel like I have a choice. I did talk to my time leader about my anxiety issues a couple of weeks back, but either he’s forgotten or he thinks I’m better now. So now I need to have that chat again, and come up with some excuse for everyone else. Sad times.

In December, when the worst of the anxiety descended, I made plans for January, because of course I’d be better by then. And in January I was making plans for February, that same assumption again. Now it’s April, and I don’t know when the hell I’m going to reach the end of this tunnel. It’s like the depression, that felt like it would never end. I want to say that I know somewhere deep down that it will end, but I have my doubts about that.

I’m not sure which is worse; depression or anxiety. I certainly know which has been more crippling for me.


2 thoughts on “Stuck in the mud

  1. So much recognition about some points…

    The changes at work: they sound good, but I can also imagine how challenging that must be and how much that looks like an obstacle. And how your health is standing in that way.
    Do you have to accept that change, can’t you stay in your old position? Could you have some extra support for the changes in your work, maybe, to get slightly used to them or just see and experience it how it is and if its something you can or can’t do?

    I won’t see how you are the bad guy by not going to this social gathering. Easy said, I would feel the same if I were in your position tough.

    But, if you really can’t do it right now, you just can’t. I don’t know but what happens if you push it, and you would go, would that mean you feel bad or would it be possible to have an okay – or good- time? In my eyes it’s really okay to pass things like this, and stay honest to yourself and take care of yourself when you know this is not the time to do something like that.
    Would it help when you would travel there with someone else, if that is the main obstacle, or does that not change anything?

    • I spoke to the team leader today and said I just couldn’t do it; he didn’t seem to mind, so yeah I’m not the bad guy after all. In the past people have been criticised in our team for not attending so I was a bit worried, but it seems to be okay for me now.

      With work…I don’t really have much choice about the changes. It’s complicated, but I’ve effectively already taken a pay rise for a change in this direction so this is just that things are twisting a bit further than I’d anticipated.

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