Hear me rattle

This morning I set out my pills for the week as pictured, and felt a bit depressed looking at them all. I currently take the following:

  • Fluoxetine/Prozac – 60mg nightly
  • Mirtazapine/Remeron – 45mg nightly
  • Propranolol – 160mg slow release
  • Pregablin/Lyrica – 150mg nightly, 150mg in the morning

It adds up to a lot of pills, and I wish I wasn’t on this cocktail of chemicals. It’s also frightening to think about what would happen if I suddenly stopped taking them – I’d bet the withdrawals would be horrific.

I decided that I would get the bus into the nearest village today, which would be the first time I’ve used public transport since December. It didn’t happen. As I was getting ready to go, my anxiety climbed too high and I bailed. I’m trying not to be too disappointed in myself, but it is frustrating. As a compromise, I drove to the village instead, and while driving I was looking wishfully at all the people walking past who probably find life 100x easier than I do. Everyone has their own problems, but I doubt most people struggle to leave the house. I did a quick scoot around a supermarket and hurried back to the safety of home.

I really need to overcome this. When the anxiety started in December, I didn’t for a moment imagine it would last this long – I thought a month at most. It’s nearly April now, and I still can’t travel. Don’t get me wrong, things are easier than they were thanks to the pregablin, but I’m miles off normal.

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4 thoughts on “Hear me rattle

  1. Maybe you did not succeed your original plan, but, at least, you tried. PLUS you did leave the house, you went to this village and you went into the supermarket. In my eyes, that still counts 🙂

    Though of course, I can really imagine the frustration.
    Somehow anxiety can come up unexpectedly in the weirdest moments. That is how I experience it sometimes, and I never want to admit it’s anxiety that gets me, but, if I’m honest it does often. I hope things will get easier soon, but don’t be too hard on yourself. You really tried. And even if you didn’t stick to the original plan, you still did something and went out of the house.

      • I understand, it happens to me all the time (while I say the complete opposite to someone else. I just hope you don’t completely put the ‘failed’ sticker on it because you made a progress, even if it was not as you planned, you still did something, and I would say that was the best you could do that day.

        I’m still struggling though the last few days things seem to be a bit easier than before. I just hope I can keep this up. (Also, I finally updated my blog a bit.)

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