Grin and bear it.

Still no psych referral, and I’m starting to feel a bit desperate. Yesterday I had to drive down to my parents’ place – just over an hour away, and it was almost impossible with my anxiety. I had every precaution in place. I didn’t drink anything the night before. I sat on a towel in the car, wearing an adult diaper, with a spare change of clothes beside me. None of it helped. I was on edge the entire drive.

I was so worked up about it I threw up four times on Saturday morning. It was ridiculous. All this over an hour drive. I was nearly crying towards the end of the journey – I felt like I needed the toilet so desperately even though I’d cracked and stopped at a supermarket twenty minutes earlier. It was hell. Then when I got to my parents I felt intensely sick again at the prospect of the journey back. I made it, with two stops on the way. It was such a relief to be home. I went and sat on the toilet for ten minutes just because I could.

I’m so tired of life being like this. Where did my life go? Its getting to the point where I just can’t go anywhere except work, and at a push, my local supermarket, although getting to those two places is still very difficult. I can’t go out with friends. I can’t go clothes shopping. I’m scared about taking my car for its MOT next month. It’s so silly.

At this point I’d pay serious money to be normal again. That’s the frustrating thing about having arranged a new therapist and requested a psych referral – there really isn’t much else I can do. I have to live with anxiety like this for now. Grin and bear it, except I really don’t feel like smiling.

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