Fading into silence

A couple of days ago, while having a cup of tea with family, my Nan turned to me and said ‘I can’t understand a word you’re saying; you’re so softly spoken’. And my gut reaction was SCORE! Like this comment freed me from all obligations to speak in future. Of course that’s not what it meant; if anything it was a criticism, an instruction to speak louder. But deep down it really pleased me.

My parents are worried when I visit them, I can see it in their faces. I don’t say very much anymore. I actively don’t want to speak – if at all appropriate I’ll nod or shake my head. Conversations are things that happen around me. We went out for a long dinner tonight, and the sum total of my vocal input was giving my order, and saying ‘No, I don’t think the menu has changed since last time‘. Seriously. I could see my Mum trying to draw me in, directing questions at me, but it was like I wasn’t really at the table.

I feel kind of guilty, but at the same time, I can’t help it. If I forced myself to talk more it would feel so false. My Dad is starting to get angry about it – yesterday he asked me if I’d ever tried tofu – I shook my head – and he stared at me angrily until I said ‘No’ out loud. Was it worth it, Dad?

I’m told I look sad. I don’t feel sad.

I don’t feel anything.

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2 thoughts on “Fading into silence

  1. Hey MQ, it’s been a ridiculous length of time since I’ve logged in here, but the first blog I looked for was yours and I don’t know if it means much but I’m glad you’re still here. Your blog is so relatable and helpful because it helped me realise I’m not alone. Hang in there and believe me when I say you matter. Ella

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