I don’t know quite what’s going on with me at the moment; I seem to have these flashes of impulsively wanting to hurt myself, and then long stretches where I burn with anger and a general sense of dissatisfaction. Every night I take a larger overdose of Nytol. If I continue with that, tonight will host 4x the recommended dose. I fantasize about being beheaded, or burned with the end of a cigarette, or smashed round the head with a hardback book.
When I last saw my therapist (Wednesday), I agreed to move back to once-weekly sessions (as opposed to twice weekly), but Dr T said I should email him if I ended up needing to see him sooner. Given the above, I decided I should get in touch. Unfortunately he replied saying he can’t see me before Wednesday next week, and advised me to write my thoughts/feelings down. I found that kind of patronizing, and deleted the email instantly.
On Friday I was up at the psychiatric hospital for the next medication review, and didn’t come away with anything conclusive. The doctor I saw said she wanted to talk to her consultant, and my GP, before either adding something to the sertraline I’m currently on, putting me back on fluoxetine (Prozac) as that’s a medication I found useful before, or introducing a new med altogether. I’m hoping they reach a decision some time next week.
The only good thing that’s happened is that the trapped gallstone episode seems to be over, and I’m not in pain anymore. Hurray. Despite the urgent referral for an ultrasound my GP made on Wednesday I’m disappointed to say I haven’t been given a date/time, but then again I suppose this isn’t life threatening, and there will be people in the queue with suspected cancer.
I don’t want to be awake. I don’t want to do anything, except inflict pain on myself.
So yeah, flash and burn
Mentally Questionable 
I’m sorry you are struggling. I have those thoughts as well, mine are violent intrusive thoughts from OCD, could yours be as well? They caused me a great deal of anxiety before I was diagnosed. Good luck!
No one has ever suggested OCD to me before, that’s an interesting possibility
A lot of people don’t know much about the pure OCD type that’s just intrusive and unwanted thoughts. All they really know is the cleaning obsessions and they think they know it all. I would definitely look into it!
I certainly will, thank you 🙂