Not downhill, more like underground

My depression is really taking over, and I haven’t felt this bad since just under a year ago when things escalated beyond suicide ideation. I also feel quite ill physically – my head hurts a lot, I feel kind of sick so I can’t eat, and occasionally I feel weak…but I wonder if that’s psychosomatics at work rather than genuine illness. I don’t know.

What I do know is that all I want to do is curl up. No activity – just lie there, and be numb. I’m back to the days of struggling to get out of bed because I don’t give a s**t what the day holds. I don’t remember very much about what I’ve done this week – there are so many hours I can’t account for. The ones I do remember mainly involve sourcing ‘exit’ materials. I make myself leave the house each day, and try not to cry. I go to bed as early as possible, but can’t sleep.

I don’t feel like I can adequately explain the source of my depression, and last night I read about ‘endogenous depression’  (for want of a better way of putting this, that means the source is within my head) which is essentially psychotic. I’m wondering if that’s me. And what the consequences are if that is me. It’s adding to my already strong suspicions that I’m going to be mentally ill (either constantly or on-and-off) for the rest of my life. Which is why I need to shorten that time span.

I had an appointment with my GP yesterday, and he upped my daily dose of sertraline (/Zoloft) to 150mg. I nervously asked him if I could go back on zopiclone, and to my huge relief he said yes as long as I promised not to take all the pills at once (an easy promise as that wouldn’t kill me anyway). My GP almost made me cry; he talked about prodding the psych hospital into action and I said there was no point because at my last appointment the psychiatrist told me if sertraline didn’t work we’d have to give up – to which my GP immediately said he wouldn’t let them give up, and that he wouldn’t give up on me either. I still doubt what anyone can do at this point, but it was lovely to hear that.

I just want this over. 

 

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